The following is a collection of various eyewitness reports that have been attributed to the activities of an aquatic offshoot of humanity that, for the lack of a better term, we at the Agency are identifying as Atlanteans. They may not actually be from some mythical continent, but since our information about this variant branch of apparently hostile humankind is sketchy at best, any label will do - Mike 013.
"Hey, no problem. I don't mind telling you about it... after all, nobody believes me, anyway. You see, I was here at about eleven, and usually around that time there's this cat who always shows up at the back door to the kitchen, so I usually sneak him a bit of steak each night I'm there. I know I shouldn't, but hey, he's a funny little thing. I found out he likes beer, but... that's a diff'rent story.
"Y'see, I was a bit tipsy myself, one night, and I wound up dropping one of the sirloins on the floor. Now, I'm a good cook, so I wasn't about to give this to one of my customers, so I figured, what the heck, I'd just give it to my little fuzzy drinkin' buddy, right? So, I put it on a big ol' plate, and sat it outside. About thirty seconds later, I hear my pal freak out and hiss up a storm, so I go check it out, right?
"You could imagine my surprise. I look over at Barney (that's what his collar says his name is, anyway), and see him looking at something all angry-like. It was kind of dark, sure, but I tell you, what I saw was creepy. It could've been a ghost or something, sure, but I ain't never heard of no meat-eatin' ghosts. This was some kind of freaky water dude or something, 'cause he smelled like ocean.
"That's no big thing, of course, but man, I tell you, I could see right through the dude. If you followed the brick pattern on the wall out behind the kitchen, you could trace it right through the guy. Right through. I could see why Barney was freaked out, 'cause man, so was I. So I said, 'Hey! Hey yo! That's Barney's!' That was when the creepy transparent dude turned around and screamed at me.
"Naturally, that ticked me off, so I grabbed a meat cleaver and chased the dude, but he was gone before I could do anything about it. Stupid jerk... he scared Barney away for a month."
This one's really hard to verify, when you get down to it, but it does jibe with what we've documented concerning Atlantean behavior since we started looking into 'em. A lot of the more savage dudes will move in from some coast or another and steal food if they're near starving, which happens when they lose their diet thanks to overfishing. I suppose you can't blame 'em for that. - Post-Modern Girl.
"Yeah, it was crazy! Me and Mikey were on our cruise, you know, for our honeymoon, and well, we do stay up somewhat late, since there's usually less people around, you know. So, we're walking around the back edge of the ship, and Mikey totally freaks out. He was like, 'Oh my God, Jeff, look at those guys! They have, like, no heads!' So I looked over at the railing, and sure enough, there they were.
"There were three of 'em, two in tuxedos, and one, I guess, woman, in this skimpy red leather dress. But when you looked a bit closer, you could see that their exposed bits were kind of hard to see. Heck, you could, like, see right through them, like translucent or transparent, you know? We went to get closer, to see what the deal was, but they jumped right over the railing when they found out we saw them.
"It's too bad, really, because from what I could see, those three were built, let me tell you. I think we could of had us an interesting party, us five..."
Riiiight. Anyway, that lines up with six other reports that I've gotten, which seems to paint a weird picture concerning our aquatic friends. After all, they generally seem violently disposed towards people, and can come across as savages, but these odd cruise ship encounters seem to hint at, the very least, a minimal appreciation for human culture. Maybe there's hope for communication yet. - Post-Modern Girl
"Dude, this was like, so creepy. I was chillin' out in Malibu with some of my pals while we were on leave, and while the others were just hittin' on chicks and stuff, I was out riding the waves. Well, after I crashed in on this monstrous ride, I started swimming out again, so's I could catch another one like it - it was a great surf day. So, I'm halfway out there, and this watery hand reached up and pulled me in!
"Yeah, water. It had to be. I saw it, and it was all, like, see through. Where it blended in with the water, you could barely see the thing. And when I was under, like, you couldn't see anybody at all, just blue, lady. All blue. But, even though I couldn't see nothin', well, I felt hands pulling on my ankles, and more all over the place. I was startin' to freak out, though, so I started kickin' like crazy.
"I didn't see nothin', but man, I hit somebody, because they let go of me real quick. I got back up to the surface, but they didn't grab me again. Lucky me, I guess.
I bet. He may've been some cute surfer dude, but man, I haven't heard too much about any groping. Usually, if somebody gets yanked underwater by Atlanteans, it's in the vicinity of an urban area or industrial zone, and is mostly meant to share a chemical bath with people to make a point. But then, who knows, it may've just been some frisky Atlantean girls or something. - Post-Modern Girl
"That's right, lady. So me'n the little lady were headed out to the beach for, uh, well, to look at the sunset together, and when we get there, we found this big stinkin' pile of trash washed up on our special spot - you know, the one where I proposed to her 'n all. So, here we are, thinkin', 'How the heck are we supposed to get it on with this junk in the way?'.
"So, you know, bein' kind of in the mood 'n all, I at least gave it the ol' college try, and kicked some of the junk out of the way. You know. So, I'm doin' this, and what happens, but I find this arm in the muck, all messed up and stabbed with hospital-like needles and stuff, and I says, 'Oh heck no, there's a dead guy in here.' So the missus freaks out and calls in the cops with her cell phone.
"Now, I always told my little darlin' that we didn't need one of them annoying things, but I tell you I wasn't complaining when the Man showed up to pick up this poor dead guy. The weird thing was that this dude was kind of weird when the cops pulled him out of that medical waste junk though, and found out that he was totally, and i mean totally, see through. You know, transvestite, right?
"I mean, one cop was standing behind the guy, and you could see 'im on the other side. All of 'im. Of course, we told the newspapers about it, but them stupid cops just covered it up, all X-Files ™ like, you know? Dumb jerks just said it was some freak accident involving a dump truck full of biohazard waste and a truck full of detergent. Powerful detergent.
"Now, I ain't no genius, honey, but let me tell you, you pour enough bleach on somebody, they're gonna die, yeah, but they're not gonna turn all transvestite like. I think that dead guy was a dead alien."
Oh. My. God. I swear, every time Mike sends me on these stupid interviews, I run into the dumbest people that the U S of A has to offer. Why can't I get one of the good assignments, you know, breaking open government plots and stuff like that. No, I have to deal with the inbred rejects and their transvestite alien conspiracy theories. I swear, one of these days...
Anyway, for what it's worth, here's a summary of my research on the origin and powers of these angry, aquatic folk. Oh, and I compiled descriptions of the known Atlanteans the Agency's identified to date, though several of these folks have also been detailed elsewhere; if this is the case, Mike told me he'd cross-link their entires for ease of use. Hey, I hope you find 'em useful! - Post Modern Girl.
Slow Jim: an Atlantean altered by toxic goo at birth, Slow Jim was found and ultimately sold to a circus to serve as its greatest freak. Eventually breaking free, he worked as a mercenary before ultimately finally the mysterious Variety Show! Availability:
Atlanteans (Typical): the odd aquatic humanoids commonly referred to as Atlanteans are a reclusive offshoot of humanity. Usually only encountered on or near the open sea, these seemingly hostile entities are hard to see - and harder to fight! Availability:
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