As it so happens, Agency 13 lacks an operative who can reach into the deepest depths of blackest space. Thus, when we developed the need to do just that, in order to investigate the dark, nameless world that spawned the B'ntri, the Agency had to outsource the job.
To this end, we chose an operative who could make the trip there and back with minimal effort, who could potentially survive the natives, and wouldn't lead them back to earth. So, we hired Charlie Chicanery to aid in our look at these aliens, for better or worse - Mike 013.
I like space.
When your latest attempt at romance has failed utterly, and you just want to leave humanity light years behind you for a good long time, there's nothing like a jaunt into intergalactic space to help with that. Stupid dating, anyway, why's it got to be so. So. So incomprehensible?
Something like that. Anyhow, having stopped my work for Extra Solar Enterprises, what with my matter duplicated self taking over the job, I didn't really have anything to do in space that would help with my current funk. Other than, oh I dunno, wandering aimlessly amongst the stars.
So imagine my surprise when I got the call from somebody calling himself Mike 013. He said he knew all about me and my work for ESE, or former work as the case may be, and told me he had a job for someone of my caliber. And this time, it didn't even involve stealing anything!
No, that's not the right word. Confiscating. Yeah, it didn't even involve confiscating anything.
So Mike 013 says hey, we need someone to investigate the home world of some horrible Hentai aliens, and you're the perfect man for the job. Only right now I'm not actually a man, and the idea of a planet of tentacle monsters was asking for trouble, but he offered me money and things.
So I said fine, whatever, sure. And then took his money - no take backs! And then I flew out into deep, deep space for the Agency, out to approximately where they said I should find the planet of Anime Gone Wrong. The only problem was that I'd been there before!
Well, the other me had, at any rate. I knew this because upon landing on this darkened, cold rogue planet out past the galactic rim, well above the the Milky Way's galactic plane, I tripped over an abandoned Space Boy. And what looked like a mostly eaten corpse.
Me and my counterpart's good pal, Wendell Wherever, flies these goofy things around as our sort of mutual side kick, you see. And if he was here, I'm sure the other me was too. Good thing that Wendell has a sort of cloney immortality going on, or I'd feel bad about finding his body.
Or uh, his feet at least?
So this cave where I found Wendell's feet and ride, as it turned out, led deeper into the planet. Much deeper, in fact. So I followed along as the cave got deeper and deeper and darker and darker and, surprisingly, much much hotter. In time, I even walked past a small lava flow!
This world, aimlessly wandering outside our galaxy proper, seemed to have more than enough energy to keep itself going, despite having no sun or anything else. At least beneath the surface; the top of this world looked like a devastated wasteland, with hints of structures here and there.
Spotting a weird thing that looked vaguely like a worm with retractable spokes, I followed it as it inched its way across the rocky cave floor, almost getting eaten for my trouble. You see, while my attention was diverted, I was being snuck up on by something tentacley!
Apparently I bent over at just the right moment, for a couple tentacles shot over my head right after I stooped to watch the thing's hypnotic motion. Spinning around, I saw the beast. Eight tentacles framed around a large, gaping mouth with just as many knife-like fangs.
As it was unimpressed by the glow of my tachyon staff, I instead tried talking to the thingus in the universal language: Condescending English!
'HELLO! MY NAME IS CHARLIE! CHARLIE CHICANERY! WHERE IS YOUR BATHROOM?!'
It then lunged at me on its bottom tentacle, or whatever tentacle served as such for the moment, and grappled me with two more. Yanking me towards it, I presumed the alien wanted to eat me, so I shot it hard. The tachyons from my staff turned it inside out!
Which was when another of things scuttled at me from the now-illuminated cave. Watching its giant, wormy tentacles undulate and flex as it scrambled in my direction was both hypnotic and distressing. Equally distressing was watching it eat its buddy instead of attacking me.
Though ultimately I was okay with the not being eaten thing.
It scooped up all of its friend and then looked at me. Well I say looked but the monster didn't seem to have any eyes. Perhaps it was smelling me with whatever horrible organs it has in its mouth. Or maybe it was feeling the vibrations I give off by existing through its skin.
But either way, it was oriented towards me, and it started thinking my way.
'WHAT ARE YOU?'
Uh, they told me not to lead any monsters back home.
'We come from France!'
'ARE YOU TASTY, LIKE THE LAST ONE?'
Must be talking about Wendell.
'I'm the tastiest of all, tough guy.'
It took that opportunity to growl and lunge at me. I shot off a bunch of its tentacles after it missed grappling me into its mouth, and sorta kinda left it immobile. Which gave me something of an idea, now that I had this thing over a barrel. Proverbially, anyway. Perverts.
I made my transient steel staff glow, but didn't quite shoot off more tachyons just yet. No, I simply brandished the weapon at the apparent B'ntri, and told it to answer my questions if it wanted to live at all. Since it was apparently telepathic, it got the gist pretty quick.
'Are you a B'ntri, you weird thingus? And if so, where's all the rest of you?'
'YES I AM, MEAT. WE ARE OUT AMONGST THE STARS, SINCE WE HAVE EATEN ALMOST ALL OF THE FOOD HERE.
WE GOT TIRED OF EATING DIRT AND EACH OTHER ONCE WE RAN OUT, SO WE MOVED ON. THOUGH SOME OF US COME HERE TO LEARN FROM OUR PAST NOW AND THEN. WHICH MEANS A FEW OF US COME HERE TO TO EAT THEM.'
'But you're from here originally, then?'
'YES, LUNCH. WE CAME INTO KNOWLEDGE OF SELF HERE, BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE ON OUR WORLD COULD, SO WE ATE EVERYTHING ELSE. OR ALMOST SO.'
The B'ntri then shot a tentacle out at the weird, wormy creature, and drew it into its mouth to gnaw on for a bit. Probably to make a point. Or show off. Or to make a point while showing off. Whatever, dumb monster anyway.
'So you like to eat a lot, then.'
'QUALITY OVER QUANTITY, MORSEL. WE CAN LITERALLY SUBSIST ON ANY SOLID MATTER, BUT WE LIKE MEAT BEST.
FRESH MEAT. THINKING MEAT. WE LOVE THE CHALLENGE, AND WE LOVE THE TASTE. THINKING SNACKS JUST TASTE BETTER. YOU WOULD TASTE BETTER THAN THAT WORM I JUST CONSUMED, FOR EXAMPLE.'
Right? But then we already covered that.
'We already covered that, Binky. So how far out in space have your kind gone?'
'WE ARE EVERYWHERE. IN MANY GALAXIES. THE UNIVERSE IS A BUFFET BEFORE US.
YOUR WORLD IS A THREE COURSE MEAL WAITING FOR THE B'NTRI. AND YES, WE KNOW OF YOUR EARTH, HUMAN. SOME OF US HAVE EVEN VISITED THERE, AND SAMPLED SOME OF THE GOODS. IN FACT, I WILL JOIN YOU THERE SHORTLY -'
So I shot it, what.
Mike 013 said he didn't want it following me back to earth.
Since that jerky alien said some of its tentacle buddies had already been to earth, I assumed that more of them were still on location. So I flew back to earth as fast as I could manage, hoping to unearth some of these things, but what do you know, they're hard to find.
When they want to be. - Charlie Chicanery.
So yes, we had to bring Charlie into the mix for this one, but I imagine the damage to the 'purity' of the timeline will be minimal, considering she's already something of a temporal complication. And yes, that's a long, long story in and of itself.
Anyway, here's what we know so far about the few B'ntri hiding on earth already. Luckily they are few and far between at the moment, but from what we can tell that's only because these B'ntri are trying to 'save' humanity for themselves. - Mike 013.
the Grim Determinator: survivor of a botched snack raid in Mexico, the Grim Determinator is a B'ntri sorcerer who was adopted (after a fashion) by the Society of Explicated Brethren. He now works to aid their goal to control all magic use on earth! Availability:
the Inveterate Invertebrate: a rare native of the B'ntri home world, the Inveterate Invertebrate quickly left her home planet to gorge on the rest of the universe's inhabitants. A consummate loner, the Invertebrate doesn't make friends or enemies - simply meals. Availability:
Murdermouth: powerful in both body and mind, Murdermouth stalked the spaceways solo for the longest time, until introduced to the idea of materialism by the Void Kings' mysterious leader. Now working for them, she eats others for fun and profit! Availability:
the Terrible Thingus: left for dead by Charlie Chicanery after her exploratory visit to the B'ntri home world, this alien terror has come to earth looking for revenge. Imagine her surprise when she found other, like-minded individuals waiting in line! Availability:
B'ntri (Typical): inhuman monstrosities hailing from a forgotten, rogue world with no name, the B'ntri are cunning, magically inclined, tentacular horrors. These beasts spread like wildfire through known space, eating their way through the cosmos! Availability:
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